Airburshed pictures of hip-hop celebrities next to quotes from their songs

"Imagine if I was dude and hittin' cats from the back/
With no strings attached/
Yeah nigga, picture that!"
-Lil' Kim

Barriers to Entry: What the fuck did he just say? & That Fucking Song part II: A rambling blog title if you've ever seen one

Barriers to entry is a new series in which I explore and attempt to discredit some of the reasons people avoid rap music. Today's installment dovetails nicely with my "That Fucking Song" post a couple days ago. Sorry for the unwieldy title, but I think it was worth it to try the "really long title' joke once.

Some people say to me, when I ask them why they don't like rap music

"HUUUURGH I'M INCREDIBLY STUPID DURF FURFLE SCUMPF"

Just kidding folks, they only say that very rarely. The kinds of things they do say are

"I just don't get it"
or
"The lyrics are so bad"

which are both obvious codes for

"I can't understand black people when they talk and am afraid to admit this"

Don't worry lil rap neophyte, I'm here to explain why it's ok to not completely catch the meaning of every word in your favorite club banger.

1) You are not supposed to understand everything. Really, they know that they're not speaking articulately, they could if they wanted to. The way that people rap is more an expression of their chosen style and flow than it is about their actual ability to form coherent sentences. It's an artistic decision, if you will.

2) A lack of understanding is desirable. Music sometimes loses it's allure when you know exactly what every line is. This is why eminem, for example, blows. You listen to the album once, you hear exactly what he's saying, every word of it, you laugh at two or three of the jokes, and then you never listen again. Why? Because the mystery is completely gone. Most people don't rap along to their favorite songs the same way they sing (I do this, it's embarrassing to everyone involved), so there has to be some kind of incentive to listen to something a few times. When every time you listen to a song you pick up a little more of what it's about, or understand some previously unknown slang, or catch a funny punchline that you previously missed, you get that joy of discovery and you want to listen again.

3) It's not that important. People over-emphasize the position of lyrics in music in general, but especially in rap. I could listen to Timbaland's Shock Value all day, not because I enjoy hearing Timbaland oafishly bumble the vocals, but because the beats are sick. As judgmental as it may sound, a lot of rap music is not made for depth listening, it's made for the club, the car, the parking lot; someplace where you just need something that sounds good in the background.

4) Sometimes it really just makes no sense at all. Take a line from Turn my Swag on, in this song soulja boy says this:

"Walk into the dealership
add another wheel to my collection of pink ships"

You can kind of figure out what he's saying; he's buying another car. But I unequivocally assure you that Pink Ship is not slang anywhere for car. He is just making it up because he needs something rhyme with dealership and he's lyrically talentless. The thing is, by it's very nature, rap needs to rhyme. In order to get the message across you have to force some pretty poor word choices. This is also the reason for some of the development of slang and the proliferation of nicknames. Do you think it's a coincidence that 'Crunk' rhymes with 'drunk'?

Now that we've got that all cleared up, I have a confession to make. I stopped writing that TFS article not because I was fed up with Jim Jones (although this was a major contributing factor), it was because I was transcribing the lyrics and I couldn't understand the fucking noises coming out of him. After serious reflection I've realized this is nothing to be ashamed of and have reasoned that Jim Jones is just using nonsense syllables to desperately fill his verse. Or maybe he's just referencing something I am not remembering or aware of. It happens even to the best of us (me, I'm the best of us), sometimes you just don't get something.

So, here, following this sentance, is the rest of "THAT FUCKING SONG"

Verse 3 - Jim Jones

I didn't note this before, but here the chorus changes dreadfully to more Jim Jones

I woke up kinda bad/
From the champagne/
Said prayer, thank god for wakin up/
Yeahhh, we gettin' money.

I hopped in my Ferarri/
Dropped the top/
I hit the club and told my nigger turn it up/
Yeahhh, we gettin' money.

I'm thirsty/
I'm hungry/
I need a big, big plate of that money/
We party/
Ferrari/
we drop the top and we laugh hardy hardy/

I am seriously considering stopping this again, but I press on for you! For the humble would-be rap listener who quivers in the darkness with fear. Fear not little one, I will be brave for you. I will openly admit I do not know what the fuck he's saying here.

I'm a dreamer/
Shoulda seen us/
flooded to water so much I need FEMA/
It goes Jim Jones tell em'/
Kal! Go! That's my DJ/

(this is it, the line I don't understand. Please let me know if you have an idea of what these here syllables mean)

Stepped up in the spot/
Self had it rockin' up for sheezey.
(chorus)

Verse 4 - Maino

I get bulletproof love/
All the thugs love me/
hands down i'm the realist nigga in the country/

Alright, who the fuck is this guy, I've never heard of him and he's marginal at best. I wish people would stop claiming to be the best. (Unless they're Jay-Z)

your arms to short you lames could never touch me/
you really think I'm gay?/
oh yeah? Go head and fuck me./

Ahahaha, did someone write a blog about Maino and make him upset? But seriously this reads like a craigslist M4M personal ad. He is literally inviting you to come and fuck him. No Homo tho.

I'm rollin'/
This is my life, it's not a song/

This is another cliche I could do without frankly.

I really pack guns as long as my right arm/
I'm a problem/

Oh I get it, he's Everyrapper, a rapper made up of nothing but cliche's.

can't solve em'/
gotta add em'/
can't subtract em'/

And with math metaphors, that's cool, right?

now i'm whilin' and spazin/
the smoke from the fifth/

Now, my conception of what a Fifth is a large bottle of alcohol, 750 ml to be exact. Urban dictionary seems to agree. Now why would smoke be coming out of your fifth? Is it possible that Maino doesn't know rap slang as well as me, a confirmed white person? Naw, it must mean something else too. English is such a wonderfully flexible language.

the shells in the grass/
and they can only see/
my eyes from the mask/

Oh, I get it, it's a FOUR-fifth, a gun. Nice creative use of slang Maino.

all the way to cali/
what's poppin my G/
I really run brooklyn/
nothin poppin but me/
get weed on gates/
and killers in ft. green/
platinum vision/
and lamborghini dreams/
hustle hard baby/
we move like the baddest/
black bandannas/
you see us we throw them flags up.
(chorus)

Ok, that was pretty lame, whatever. Finally the song is drawing to a conclusion. But not before Jadakiss comes and actually murders the track. The track is killed by him and the song has no choice but to end after that verse because it is dead. In respect to his (comparative) greatness, I will give you this part of the song un-commented-upon.

Verse 5 - Jadakiss

Yo, D block is D block/
no it ain't a rock band/
they had to kill two baby gators/
just to make my watchband/
out come the hammers/
yeah, then the shottis come/
devils meet up 4 times/
then the bodies come/
big bank/
little bank/
yeah imma take it all/
i could get the block aired out/
If I make a call/
so go ahead with your bad self/
'kiss keep his swag on/
you ain't gotta ask me, ask Self.
(chorus)

Wow, I did it and I wasn't afraid of disapproval. Now maybe you can too! Let's take this moment of great success to contemplate how Jim Jones is a talentless void.

Rappers whose mama ain't home

Apparently a lot of rich and famous rappers live at home with their parents.

"Two in the mornin' and the party's still jumpin'/
Cause my mama ain't home/
I got bitches in the living room gettin' it on/
and, they ain't leavin' till six in the mornin'."
-Snoop Dogg, 1993, age 21

"You got me feelin' right/
My mama gone you can spend the night/
I ain't playin' I'm tryin' to fuck tonight/
Clothes off, face down, ass up, c'mon."
-50 Cent, 2005, age 30

"Lookin' at my Franck Muller, it's about that time/
folks just left so I'm on my grind/
Said you wanna two-fifty cause you need that nine/
I want that bread but I don't need that dime."
-Young Jeezy, 2006, age 29

I know, KNOW, there are more of these. Someone want to find some for me?

Blap Rog Features: Fighting; things that happen in it

Hey guys, listen, I have found some really great stuff on the internet and I really want to put it somewhere where people will read it, but it's not really rap related.

So I'm just gonna put it here, I thought you might like some variety in your rap blog, you know? Besides, what else am I gonna do? Start a new blog for every thing I want to talk about? That hardly seems like a reasonable solution.

Anyway, the new feature is about movies. There's a movie review website I recently discovered which is geared towards conservative parents shielding their children from violence and other undesirable themes in movies. It's called Parent Previews and it's right here.

One of the things that they include in their reviews is a complete list of everything untoward that happens in the movie. They read a lot like modern poetry. Better for you to see an example.

Today's "Things that happen in it" is "Fighting"
After thieves steal items from pedestrians and vendors in a busy downtown business district, a fight breaks out on the street. A man cases out possible recruits for a fight club. Brawls between combatants (without any protective gear or rules) are held in a church, alleys, expensive apartments and an Asian brothel. Characters punch, kick and choke one another. Facial abrasions and some bloody cuts are seen. A bullet injures a man's ear. Cross dressers are seen in a brothel-type building. A picture of a naked woman is seen on the wall. Profanities, scatological slang terms and racial slurs are used. Characters gamble and steal money. A couple kisses passionately. Sexual activity is suggested but not seen. Characters are shown drinking and smoking on numerous occasions.

Wasn't that wonderful? Can't you totally not wait for more? Oh? Really? Well fuck you then!

Airbrushed pictures of hip-hop celebrities next to quotes from their songs

"'Scuse me for bein blunt, but I've been eatin cunts/
since pimps was pushin pink Caddies with the fish tank pumps/
Bumpin and grindin simultaneously grindin/
Climbin up the walls, with my balls, bangin off your hymen/
I'm a diamond in the rough (UHH) bustin in your face/
Taste the sweetness of my dick, rip your fetus out of place"
-Big Pun

That Fucking Song

Sometimes it's not enough to quote a silly, out-of-place lyric.
Sometimes a song is so bad that nothing but the entire thing, with line by line commentary will do.
That is was "That Fucking Song" is all about, it's a new feature, I hope you like it, although it's pretty infrequent that a song is this bad.
Today's "That Fucking Song" is "Turn My Swag On (Mega Remix version)" from the extended version of Lil' Wayne's Urban Dictionary Mixtape. Commentary will be in italics.

Listen along here!

Chorus
I hopped up out da bed,
turn my swag on,
took a look in da mirror said wassup,
yeeeeea im gettin money (ooooohhh)

This is a serviceable chorus, it's not the problem, the problem is every rapper on this song. You'll see.

Verse 1 - Soulja Boy
count so much money everyday its gettin my arms swole/
my swaggas out of space similar to a wormhole/
dunkin' on the game, like Stephon Marbury/
I got a red Aston Martin, i call it my strawberry/

Ok, ok, stop stop stop. This line is a disaster. You ever here a line where you know the rapper felt like they had a really good line so they had to come up with something, anything, to rhyme it with so they could use it? Both of these are like that second line, which of these did he think was really impressive?

all work no play dis is my playground/
rappers on tour but they ridin' the greyhound/
but they don't stay round now,/
my lambo got surround sound/
i'm hotter than plasma,/
lava,/
magma/
knick knack patty whack,/
give a dog a bone/
i'm like get back gimmie that,/
give the king his throne/
you like knick knack patty whack/
give a dog a bone/
im like get back gimmie that/
give the king his throne/

So not only is he repeating the same line twice but he's taking from nursery rhymes, which is a techinque that I think only very, very few rappers should do (pretty much just Method Man). Additionally this is not the best idea for a rapper for whom the main criticism is his youth.

honey i am home/
walkin to the dealership/
add another one to my collection of pink slips/
i am it/
and don't forget/
this is the remix.
(chrous)

It's like he really just ran out of things to say, rhyming it and forget like that. That actually sounds pretty likely. But Soulja Boy Tellem is not the main problem with this song, oh no. It would be easy to take the rap-intellectual's role and blame everything on him, but I actually think he has some merit here (there will be a blog about this at some point). Just not much.

Verse 2 - Lil' Wayne
ehemm, swagga on a zillion,/
i'm Louis V down like a Louis V chamillion/
house so big like i live in a building,/
no chandeliers, i got guns hanging from the ceiling/
brand new car i divorced the top/
see homie u a square im a porsha box/
long hair, don't care holla back bitch/
im in the bathroom takin me a rich nigga shit/
gangsta to the bristle,/
swagga unofficial/
im the shit and you, you justa maggot on a tissue/
better tell em i'm hotter than da arizona missile/
white Benz chrome wheels like a napkin on a nickel/
young moola baby, weezy baby/
don't forget da weezy, baby/
black card, boy, make you throw away that visa baby/
you ain't on the planet i'm on and i never leave my swagga at home.
(chorus)

Ok, typical Lil' Wayne stuff, a couple similies that don't quite work, nothing amazing or horrible here. I'm kinda just getting the idea that he doesn't care anymore, I guess he doesn't have to; he's Lil' Wayne.

Verse 3 - Jim Jones
I'm thirsty/
I'm hungry/
I need a big, big plate of that money/

Yes, really. he really says this. this is how he chooses to start his verse. Jim Jones is fucking terrible. Hold on, it gets worse/better.

We party/
Ferrari/
we drop the top and we laugh hardy hardy/

UGH

I'm a dreamer/
Shoulda seen us/
flooded to water so much I need FEMA/

...Ok, that's it. Blog over. This is just too bad. Fuck you Jim Jones, you are the worst thing. The rest of the song actually isn't so terrible compared to this, Jadakiss' verse is actually pretty good. Maybe I'll finish this later when I'm not so fed up with listening to Jim Jones.
Fuck you too buddy

The Four Elements

This is like hip-hop 101 guys, so listen up if you don't know this stuff already. If you do know it already read this anyway cause I'm gonna put funny pictures and what.
Oh, this is one of them educational-type blog entries, so just walk away now if you're not about that. I made fun of eminem yesterday, that's one that you might like.

So, anyway, hip-hop is not just a type of music. This is something I've been trying to communicate here, it's a full cultural movement. This movement, both in it's roots and throughout it's history has been divided up into 4 elements. It's about inclusion, if you can't rap than you're still in the movement. Get it? These elements are

MCing (or Rappin')
This is the one you already know. Dope skills on the mic, etc. Rappin' emerged from the back and forth style of insulting called "playing the dozens" practiced by urban youth. Call and response hip-hop still exists today, if you look really hard.

DJing (or Scratchin')
Can you believe the DJ used to be just as important as the MC back for about a week in 1985? Unbelievable but true. There was a great amount of resentment about the MC's rise to popularity, prominence, and pwealth while the DJs stayed kind of behind the scenes toiling thanklessly. Thankfully these issues became unimportant once hip-hop died (in 1987 for the first time, and every year after that).

Break Dancing (or Breakin') (if it doesn't have the capacity to have an apostrophe instead of the last letter it's not a real ELEMENT, important knowledge)
This is generally what kids with no artistic talent did when they wanted to be in what we can collectively begin to refer to as 'the movement'. This is the least important one.

Grafitti (or Tagin')
Just kidding, this is the least important one. I mean, come on, they're just ruining property, right?
You'll notice that besides rapping many of these things have achieved only minor public recognition. Some people decry this as the bulldozing of a lot of important culture. Nonsense, I say. Because commerical Rap, as distinct from Hip-Hop, has it's own 4 elements that I certainly am not just making up now.

Rap (similar to Rappin')
Having evolved directly from Rappin', you might think that these two elements are pretty similar. Actually, you couldn't be more wrong, you fool. The largest difference is the focus on the chorus, marketability, and thug posturing rather than any of the things you normally might think are important.

Producing (similar to Scratchin')
Basically the producer does the same job as the DJ, but gets paid a lot more and makes the song sound much better. A good producer can turn Eminem into a success, or Kanye into a rapper. The other difference is that producers make millions of dollars. In their free time they hunt down the few remaining DJs for sport, just to add insult to injury.

Music Videos (similar to Breakin')
Just look how much better than breakdancing this music video is. It's easy to see why the transition occured.

Merchandising (similar to Tagin')

Also defined as putting grafitti on a hat and convincing someone with no money to pay 20 dollars for it. Mainly these hats end up in the hands of lame white people however, so their success is arguable.

I hope we learned a lot today. Actually, I only care about you learning one thing- that Hip-hop is different than mainstream Rap. Maybe I'll talk more about this some other time.

Enjoy you're knowledge, I'm going off to celebrate rap-easter, when hip-hop rises from the dead for 3 days before being shot by Suge Knight.
Happy rap-easter everyone!

Rappers have been known to change their minds

"But in the mist of this insanity, I found my Christianity
Through God and there's a wish he granted me
He showed me how to cope with the stress
And hope for the best, instead of mope and depressed
Always groping a mess, of flying over the nest
To selling dope with the rest
I quit smoking cess to open my chest
Life is stressful inside this cesspool
Trying to wrestle, I almost bust a blood vessel
My little brother's trying to learn his mathematics
He's asthmatic, running home from school away from crack addicts
Kids attract static, children with automatics
Taking target practice on teens for Starter Jackets
I'm using smarter tactics to overcome this slum
I won't become as dumb as some and succumb to scum
It's cumbersome, I'm trying to do well on this Earth
But it's been Hell on this Earth since I fell on this Earth

It's a broke day but everything is ok
I'm up all night, but everything is alright
It's a rough week, and I don't get enough sleep
It's a long year pretending I belong here"
-Eminem, It's Ok, 1996

"Admit it, fuck it, while we comin out in the open
I'm doin acid, crack, smack, coke and smokin dope then
My name is Marshall Mathers, I'm an alcoholic (Hi Marshall)
I have a disease and they don't know what to call it
Better hide your wallet cause I'm comin up quick to strip your cash
Bought a ticket to your concert just to come and whip your ass
Bitch, I'm comin out swingin, so fast it'll make your eyes spin
You gettin knocked the fuck out like Mike Tyson
The Proof is in the puddin, just ask the Deshaun Holton
I'll slit your motherfuckin throat worse than Ron Goldman

So when you see me on your block with two glocks
Screamin Fuck the World like Tupac
I just don't give a fuuuuuck!!
Talkin that shit behind my back, dirty mackin
tellin your boys that I'm on crack
I just don't give a fuuuuuck!!
So put my tape back on the rack
Go run and tell your friends my shit is wack
I just don't give a fuuuuuck!!
But see me on the street and duck
Cause you gon' get stuck, stoned, and snuffed
Cause I just don't give a fuuuuuck!!"
-Eminem, Just Don't Give a Fuck, 1998

Airbrushed pictures of hip-hop celebrities next to quotes from their songs

"OWWWW, Clap, Clap, Clap, Gotta make that ass
Clap, Gotta make that ass,
Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap, Gotta make that ass
Clap, Gotta make that ass
Clap" -Fat Joe