Airbrushed pictures of hip-hop celebrities next to quotes from their songs

"Made a livin out of cuss words, liquor, and weed" -2pac

Hip-Hoptionary: Animals

In this feature I will explain rap slang,

here's that shit ya need to LEARN:

Anaconda - a (generally) large penis
Ape - to go crazy
Ape, Bathing - Japanese designer shoe brand with high popularity among hip-hop community
Bee, Killer (Killa') - member of the Wu-Tang Clan
Bird - large quantity of cocaine; (english) attractive woman
Bug - ugly, annoying, or insignificant person; (alt) an STD
Cat - a cool, popular guy; a vagina
Chicken(head) - promiscuous woman
Dog (Dawg) - friend, generally male
Donkey - in men, a large penis, in women, a large ass
Duck - loser, nerd, geek
Eagle, Desert - large and powerful semi-automatic handgun
Fish - the new guy in prison
Fish(scale) - uncut cocaine of high quality
Fly - cool, attractive, high
Gators - Shoes made of alligator skin, they are classy
Gorilla - A big, tough, goon, kept around for protection, fighting, or committing crimes; (adj.) large
Gorillas - thousands of dollars (each gorilla is a thousand)
Hawk - (v.) To watch carefully for (n.) Knife, shank, bladed object
Hornet - see Killer Bee
Llama - a (generally) large gun; (alt.) any weapon
Monkey - a vagina
Mule - a (generally) large penis; (alt.) a drug (or other illicit substance) carrier (v.) to carry drugs for someone
Pumas - shoe brand, once had high popular in the hip-hop community
Rat - a snitch, someone who tells on others; (v.) to snitch
Roach - the end of a joint
Shark - a dangerous individual
Worm, The - A breakdancing move

I might add some more to this list if I forgot something obvious. Don't you feel better informed now?

It was the Best of Rhymes, it was the Worst of Rhymes

some rhymes are clever, surprising, or unique. Others are just really bad; either they don't make sense, or they don't quiet rhyme correctly, or they are so tired and old you wish someone would just shoot them and put them out of their misery. This update attempts to showcase both.

"Mass hysteria/
inside the cafeteria"

-GZA (genius)

"White America!
I could be one of your kids/
White America!
Little Eric looks just like this/
White America!
Erica loves my shit/
I go to TRL, look how many hugs I get/"

-Eminem

As if it weren't bad enough to rhyme 'kids' with 'this' and 'shit' with 'get', Eminem decides he needs to do an internal rhyme of 'America', 'Eric', and 'Erica'. Rhyming the male and female versions of a name with each other is shit. This chorus is a superstar of bad rhyming.

Out of Context Rap Lyrics

Double dose of Young Jeezy
Double dose of Young Jeezy

"Maybe I should see the wizard"

Explaining Rap Lyrics to White People

So, I'm encountering a little problem with my whole "Out of Context Rap Lyrics" category. Whenever I'm listening to my music now I'm keeping an ear open for things that sound completely ridiculous out of the context of the song they're in. However, most of the things that I think might be funny to my audience I dismiss immediately because I know better. It's just that when you have an encyclopedic knowledge of the ever-growing field of hip-hop slang cultivated by years of music-listening, it's hard to feign ignorance.

Here, let me give you a few concrete examples:

In Soulja Boy Tell 'Em's classic hit, Crank Dat there are a lot of lines that appear to make no sense. One in particular that stands out to the uninitiated is

"I got me some Bathing Apes"

A white person might think "Goodness, this young man is retarded" or "So that's what these rappers are into now? Monkeys trained to wash them? No thank you, I am going to go listen to Nickelback instead!"

However, I know that Bathing Apes are a Japanese designer sneaker brand which has recently gained popularity in the hip-hop culture, mainly because they look fucking sick.

Another. In T. I.'s 2007 hit "You Know What It Is" he says "I love that llama". Again, white people are stumped. "Did that individual just proclaim his support of animal rights or take a stance against llama cruelty?" or "Does he really own a llama, like Michael Jackson" they say, in their annoying white people voices.

A llama is a gun you guys.

So my knowledge of hip-hop culture is actually interfering with my ability to write a funny rap blog. Ironic, huh?

I mean, not that you guys would notice if I didn't know these things. I feel like my likely audience for this blog is basically reading to reconfirm for themselves that rap is meritless and to laugh at the stupid rappers. I don't want this blog to be about that. I love rap music and I want you to too.

The take home point is, in the interest of educating white people, I'm going to do a series of entries explaining rap culture and slang. Droppin' Knowledge.

To make up for this long and serious post, have some more out of context rap lyrics. I tried really hard to make sure these make no sense to anyone.

Out of Context Rap Lyrics

"Kitchen smellin' funky"

-Young Jeezy